"It's Too Cold Outside for Angels To Fly"

Raw journal entry, from a rainy night in Shelton WA, four years ago... fall 2012.

I met a homeless woman last night, she asked for a ride from the library up to WalMart. She couldn't have been a day under 70. Wonderfully nice, tidy, educated, smart, fun to talk to - but it was mostly listening because she really needed to talk. A history buff who's learning about all the towns she passes through. We sat in the car for over an hour til some WalMart guy pointed out I was parked on the sidewalk. Then she asked me to drive her to McDonald's instead. She was clearly hoping I'd take her home for the night. She was putting up a good front for being confident, almost like she was choosing to live this way to travel & learn about history, but at the end she just got very despondent when she realized I could not take her home. She just stood there, a tiny little white-haired angel, and looked at me with those eyes... I told her the landlord would not be pleased - which may be true - so I couldn't. But it was more that something indefinable was keeping me from doing so. And I DROVE AWAY and left her. I felt like total shit. I was seriously thinking I should go back & get her anyway. Then I turned the radio back on and it was the song The A Team (Ed Sheeran - "It's too cold outside for angels to fly") and I just lost it. I pulled over & cried my eyes out. I thought the song was a clear message from the universe to go back & get her but I still couldn't bring myself to do it. I ended up driving to the police station & asking if there was anywhere I could take her but they said although there is a shelter in town, it stops taking people by early evening, so, too late.

All I could keep thinking was "My friends who have helped me, would never have driven away and left her like that." And they probably wouldn't have either. And I felt so ashamed of myself for doing that after all the help I have been given.

I have been seriously re-assessing myself as a person on this journey and not always liking what I see. I certainly didn't like what I saw last night. Here I am heading up to Seattle hoping that people there will help ME and what right do I have to hope for that when I didn't help her? The police were saying all the crappy usual stuff - "some people just want to live that way, she's survived til now, tomorrow night she'll just be in the same position," etc. etc. - even "those homeless folks look older than they really are." It made me so angry to hear that, what does it matter exactly how old she is? All that matters is that she is old and she has nowhere to go. And yeah, even if it was just for one night, it's still one night of warmth and sleep and compassion. It was awful to see the perception the police have of homeless people.

I think one thing that bothered me a lot was that it was almost like a mirror to the future. She's as educated as I am and still in this situation. Jesus. It hit too close to home. Seeing that was pretty motivational. And that's even worse - she actually did something for me and I did nothing for her. But maybe, maybe someday I will take this experience and turn it into something that makes a difference.